EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
