I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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