You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize