i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
