i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize