Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize