Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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