I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Still dying that you shit outside
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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