I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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