You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
