I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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