my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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