He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
