I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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