put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
