literally had 100 drinks last night.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
