Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
