Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
