I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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