My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
