My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
