I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize