Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
