Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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