I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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