My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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