i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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