for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
