Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
My hand turned me down
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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