Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Randomize
