Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
