Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
