Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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