I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
