I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
