I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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