The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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