I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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