Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I have fence marks all over my body
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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