Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
