he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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