11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
