How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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