You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
