I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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