My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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