how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
