Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You pole danced in your parka.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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