We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
