I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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