Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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