so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
