Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i came on her dog
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
