You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
