Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
And the cops told us we were all naked.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize