i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
