This dress was meant to end up on your floor
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I'm really busy with my period
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