i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
