my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
