Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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