this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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